Heartstrings.

              {one year ago}

They had grown close. He had undeniable charm and her smile took it all in. A 5 month friendship that grew to something a little more. They were complete opposites. He drank on the weekends and she went to church every Sunday. Somehow they interchangeably became an important part of each others' lives. A drunk kid on the phone with the girl he liked for 4 hours turned into sober heart to heart conversations. Soon enough he took her very first kiss on his couch. This fascination with each others' minds and lives and the advice they gave each other. They thought it was love. It was risky and passionate. She thought sneaking away to see him would make it more fun instead of creating boundaries.

She's screaming. Her mom won't stop telling her to stay away from him. He's not good news. His reputation is bad and he doesn't care about you. She's crying. Trying to explain how she feels without contradicting her words. Her heart is throbbing in her chest, almost as much as her throat is from screaming. Trying to deny that he was toxic for her. But inside she knew him and his past. He just kept drawing her back in.

His name popped up on her phone. 

"Are we okay? I feel like I messed up."

"What do you mean you messed up?"

"It was just one night when I was upset. I'm so sorry, I never meant to hurt you."

"Whatever. I thought you were different now."

Heartbroken. Her mom was always right. She couldn't deny it any longer. The passion, happiness, what they thought was love...was not. Tears stained her pillow night after night until she realized it wasn't worth it. She wrote him letters that never got sent. Her mind raced with memories and her heartstrings ached. How was she going to move past this. Someone she thought made her feel so special, so alive. She moved on and kept going. Life didn't stop and month after month went by with an emptiness still inside her. Eventually, strength and independence coursed through her. She would know what happiness felt like again. It wasn't because of a person or a moment...it was because she was living her life and doing things for herself. But she couldn't help but think it was because of the heartstrings he pulled, that actually made her realize how strong she could actually be.

Reflecting.

This is a post mostly for myself. Something that I need to write down so I can come back and remember. If you want to, go ahead and read along but I warn you - it might get a little long and be a tad boring. :)

Looking back on this year, it has been a year of growth and struggle. Good struggle & bad struggle. A full year of fitting pieces of a puzzle back together, erasing scars of my heart, and opening new doors. I look back and realize that I fit a lot into this past year and it brings nothing but joy. I had a lot of stressful moments but I had support and comfort after the storm. And that just brings joy that overpowers all the hard times. For that I'm thankful.

But something else I've noticed is that I have not grown in my faith with God. And that's something I've really struggled with in the past 2 years. You can go read this post and that gives you a little smidgeon of info. We lost our youth pastor around that time and it's been hard ever since. (We do have a new youth pastor now and he is super awesome! Just losing the one before him was pretty rough for a while) Someone really special to me asked me the other day "How is your walk with God?" and all I felt was disappointment. In myself. In my church. In my heart.

My faith has been tested a lot over the past 2 years and I've realized that I rarely turned to God when I needed something or was hurting. I turned to my friends or raged at my parents or cried alone in my room or complained to God. I never prayed to Him or thanked Him or cried out to Him. And I'm SO THANKFUL to everyone in my life who has and will always be there for me in hard times. Whether it's girls from my team, my parents, my best friends, or my grandparents. But most of all I'm so thankful to have a God that is so forgiving, so loyal, and so selfless. If it wasn't for Him not giving up on me or letting me give up on myself then I'd be in a lower spot in my faith than I am right now.

I'm the girl that tries to always have a smile on her face, who hates letting people down, and has a positive outlook on life. My life is beautiful. And there are times when I think "my life couldn't get any better" and times when I think "my life couldn't get any worse". But whether it's good, bad, or beautiful - it's not perfect and I'm not perfect.

So reflecting back on this year it's been an adventure. A crazy one. In 2014, I want it to be even crazier. I want to be crazy for God and for the life and future He has for me. Not the plans I have for myself but the plans that HE has for me. I want to strive to learn about Him and to seek Him in all that I do.

"But the Lord stood with me and strengthened me." 2 Timothy 4:17

xoxo,
~Michlyn

Growing Up & Stuff

I've literally been debating a post idea for days. Clicking "new post" and then "delete" over and over and over because I just couldn't find the words. So life has been busy...

Volleyball is over. Been fitting in as much babysitting as possible. Filling out job applications. Doing a crazy amount of homework each night.

I turned seventeen 2 weeks ago and that has made me feel a different kind of "old" than I usually feel on my birthday. 13 - I became a teenager. 14 - I'd say was my defiant age. 15 - getting more mature. 16 - got my license. 17 - ??? Oh geez I guess that's where a job comes in? So I've been searching the nearby places I'd like to work at so I could start filling out some applications.

We've all heard about the applications, the interviews, the coworkers, and the job itself processes...but until you get there, it's a whole different game. I think trying to find a job has given me the most anxiety and nervousness that I've felt. Just thinking of the questions I'll have to answer, or if they'll think I'm not mature enough, or qualified
enough...and on and on the worries go.

Prayer has been my best friend lately. I also have to thank all my friends that have prayed for me and who have let me vent about life. One night this past week I just got so upset that I had meltdown and just prayed for God to lift me up and not feel so overwhelmed with responsibilities. After all, I'm 17 and still growing up and learning how to do all of this. :)

xoxo,
~Michlyn

The Wounds He Gave Me

We would talk for hours. Whether it was in person, via text, or on the phone. He made me laugh & thought I was pretty. We'd known each other our whole lives. Gone to church together forever. He was always the one to cheer me back up if I had a bad day. It lasted for a while as we got to know each other better but soon it wasn't the same anymore. I knew that God was telling me to take a couple steps back. To live my life without a "him" for a while. So I told him that I wasn't ready. Not for a closer relationship that he was hoping for. And it seemed that I broke his heart in that moment. Soon time passed faster than I thought and the rift between us just got bigger. He moved on in our hometown's public school and I started a charter school 30 minutes away. We didn't talk. Ever really. He got a girlfriend and I just made a lot of great friends...guys & girls. When I thought the storm was over...it came back. Rumors. Horrible and hurtful rumors about me. Stuff that he told other people. And soon friends from church knew...some of my best friends. They were hearing untruthful things about me. Because...well I don't know why he said them. Popularity? Girls? Ego? I don't know. But I'm a strong girl. I don't let that stuff get to me and usually it doesn't come to me because I. hate. drama. I pushed it aside but trusted my parents and told them what my friends had heard him say. And before I knew it...there I was in a tiny room with our youth pastor asking him about these rumors. I thought I knew him. That guy just a year or 2 ago that would never do anything like this to hurt me. Who made me feel so special. But I guess he changed. The thing that hurt the most was that he denied it...allllll of it. That he didn't talk to anyone about "our history" and didn't say any of the rumors that I asked him about. He said that some of them weren't my business; that they had nothing to do with me. Ummm excuse me? If you said my name...they have everything to do with me. And my reputation that he carelessly half destroyed. Now 2 meetings down and he just sat there. And saw my tears and my confusion about this whole situation. He does nothing but deny the wounds he gave me...They hurt and sting and it's hard to take care of these wounds when they don't appear very often. But I'm finally taking care of them myself...I don't need his help or explanation to how they got there. Because I know our God is more powerful and more loving and will deal with him. But these wounds...they're on my heart. My only goal is that they don't leave a scar.

~Michlyn

New Orleans - One Year Ago

Wow. Time does fly. I mean it must seriously grow wings and fly faster than we think.

One year ago today I was stepping off of a coach bus with 42 other students. Pillow and carry-on bag in my hand, best friend and sister by my side, searching for my dad in the crowd of parents.

It was such a journey. An incredible experience. When I look back and see the pictures, read the posts, and watch the videos...I just want to go back. That week was unforgettable. There were some bumps (big ones) but we got through it and glorified God at the same time.

Strength. That's one word I want to use to describe my youth group. We lost our youth pastor around 13 months and now we have a new and incredibly awesome one. But we seriously have been through a lot. Something we always point out is say how "cliquey" or "snotty" we are compared to other youth groups. Yes, there are some weaknesses. Our strength though...literally, IS strength.

That trip transformed the way we saw each other. Whether most of us forgot about it or it washed away...it's true.

And today I'm especially remembering some of the best times of my life! God has richly blessed me with more support, friends, and love than I could ever have thought of. Now for the throwback.....

These pictures bring back so many laughs, hand raising in worship, crazy bus rides, and growing 

in my faith with some of my favorite people on earth!

xoxo,

~Michlyn

P.S. If you want to read more about my New Orleans trip you can start here or here or just watch the video here! 

Adoption: Behind the Scenes

Most of you know that I have an adopted sister. She is 7yrs old, she was born in Ethiopia, Africa, and has now been home for about 3 years.

The first thing people see is a beautiful, spunky, & innocent little girl that is part of our family. If meeting someone for the first time, they ask her a lot of questions and just say how cute she is. The thing is...they don't know.

They don't know how hard our daily life can actually be.
They don't know how much trauma and hurt she's gone through.
They don't know how different everything was before.


Adoption is a miracle. It brings kids home from all over the world. And everyone who brings a child(ren) home always have different situations. Some are good, some are not so great, and others are rough.

Ours has been rough. Because behind that little girl with crazy curly hair, and a smile that could trick even the wisest person...Is a daughter of our King who is broken. Completely and utterly shattered into thousands of pieces.

The pieces of trust, love, connection, joy, security, and hope are missing. They were missing before we even laid our eyes on that very first picture of her.

And as I see the tantrums, tears, and hurt through her...I see more than just my broken sister. I see how she sees herself. I see how she thinks she should be treated. It's the hardest thing I've experienced.

Mostly I just want to cry at the hardship of it all and sometimes I want to laugh at the craziness God put into our lives.

The patience my parents have. The wisdom of therapists, friends, & prayer warriors. The protection and grace of our Savior.

It's all just a gigantic huge mess. Sometimes a bad mess. Sometimes a good mess.

When people don't understand our situation and chat and smile with my sister. I just want to scream. Because she barely does that with us. We should be the ones giving her the love, patience, and lessons of life and get a smile. But that's rare. And I just want to tell that person how they don't understand. How incredibly hard we try to make progress and teach her every. single. day.

1 yr. 2 yrs. 3 yrs.... Those walls around her heart have been falling a lot slower than we ever expected. Everything isn't hard of course. She's grown so much and learned quite a bit. But when survival kicks in from past memories or something triggers...we start sliding down instead of climbing up. And each step is going to be work & worth it.

This is exactly how we live without pretending. We show her the best we can and hope & pray that things will get better. I don't know who will truly understand this, but I hope it makes you think a little differently if anything at all.

I just needed to say this. And Jesus is faithful.

~Michlyn

New Orleans!

Hey all my faithful readers! Just wanted to say that I've missed hearing from you. My blog has been a little quiet these days. I just couldn't think of anything to write. Well no worries, I'm here today to give you an update about my youth group & an upcoming trip all in one. :)

So every 2 years there is this conference called "Nationals". It's for youth all over the United States to gather as a whole. There are sermons, classes, service projects, worship, sports to play, sites to visit, you meet new friends, and most important we come together as the body of Christ to learn more about Him. And this year... it's in NEW ORLEANS!

We've been planning this trip ever since January, and we're all kind of excited. We were all getting pumped about last month... There were countdowns, meetings, and fundraisers in order for everyone to make the trip.

You see... just about 3 1/2 weeks ago... we lost our youth pastor. :( We got letters that he had left, and now he won't be leading our group on this awesome trip. We had our final meeting last night about all the details, and now it's reality.

We're leaving in 4 days! 

It's for a whole week! We leave on June 30th & return on July 7th! We are taking a charter bus down there, with our group of 50 people, and are traveling for about 24-28 hours. Oh boy, please lift us up in a few prayers when you think about it. That's a long time in a bus. But don't worry we're stopping every 4 hours.

It's going to be a fun and interesting trip. We're staying in a hotel and on the way home we get to go to SIX FLAGS (a huge amusement park) allllll day. Yay!

Please pray that we grow together as a youth group, come together before God, and grow to know more about Him. This trip is going to open our eyes, and we all need prayer and guidance as we prepare.

The title for this year's Challenge conference is Everything Is New! Sounds like a perfect title for us right now.

Thanks everyone!
~Michlyn